I’ve been in a weird mood for the last couple of days - experiencing highs and lows, starting on Tuesday. Tuesday was a wonderful day, definitely, gold standard. As I mentioned last week, I took this day off just for the simple of experience of rest and relaxation - it was wonderful. I loved it. I spent the day reading, in french. My book finally arrived from France, Game Changers Tome 1. Hurried up and finished reading the Walking Dead Tome 2, and then read up to 25% of the deal, and finished a chapter of Mon Mari, before tackling Game Changers. Wow!

This is the first time that I’ve ever read more than two books at a time in french. In english, this is very typical for me. In english, I can read 3-5 books at a time easily. I sometimes like to sit and read each book for 25/30 mins, break, and then pick up another book and read that for 25/30 mins. I sometimes do this with new books….when I would frequent the bookstores - find some books that seemed interesting - read them in the store and then decide on the one that I want.

Anyways, I read for like 4 hours - all in french. By 3h30, a headache had begun to form. But I pushed on. It’s nice to see my interest in reading books come back. It seems like ever since I started reading only in french - my interest in reading has taken a dip. I know realize - that my brain must have been turned off by my slow reading pace and comprehension. Now, over a year later of continued french reading, I read pretty easily and quite fast….well, for someone reading in a second language.

Anyways, back to my terrible mood.

After that wonderful day - I returned back to work on Wednesday. For the most part - it was decent. I got some work done and attended all necessary meetings. But 35 minutes before I got off from work I had to stop what I was doing and just sit and breathe. I was in the middle of working on my podcast script. I was asked to participate in a podcast interview back in April. And I’ve dragging my feet working on how to plan to explain and answer all of their questions. I started working on it yesterday and made a lot of progress, but then I started feeling so overwhelmed. Which is funny if you knew what the podcast is about — all about regulation….

If I had to guess - I think my reaction is related to my brother, Brian, contacting me. He texted me at 3:15 PM yesterday. At first I was confused because I didn’t recognize the number. I still hadn’t saved his number in my phone, but then I realized after a few minute who it was was…I don’t know why I haven’t saved his number. I don’t know what this means - I usually don’t save a persons number in my phone when I don’t think they’ll have a permannet place in my life. When I believe our contact will be fleeting and therefore not justifibly enough to cement their place into my contacts. Although, Brian has done nothing to give this impression - in fact he has given me the complete opposite impression.

It’s thursday morning, and I still haven’t replied back. On my way to work this morning, while listening to chater 13 of Mon Mari, he texted me again: Do you still want to hang out Saturday?

I have a headache. I can barely focus on what I’m supposed to do and my next meeting is supposed to start in 18 minutes and now I’m supposed to decided on my response to my estranged brother… and why does this feel so overwhelming for me.

I can’t continue to ignore him. I can’t…but I don’t know. I don’t know. Yesterday I told myself that I would reply back - but I forgot… I felt so drained after work, but….I don’t know everything feels like to much right now. I’m overwhelmed. And the overwhelming feeling hits me so suddenly. There’s no build up - it just happens. Sometimes I think I’m doing so well and then something small will happen that will have me so upset and -

I literally just came back from a fire drill at my job. Apparently someone accidently pulled the fire alarm. What a waste of 7 minutes of mine. Now I’m down to 8 minutes until my next meeting. I’ll get back to you later. I need more time to decide on what I do - I don’t want to act out of guilt, or sadness or embarassment.

Olivia